Friday, February 14, 2014

Open Letter to the Great Woody Allen

***Disclaimer: Woody Allen is innocent until proven guilty.  Unfortunately a lot of rich guilty "innocent" people roam our beautiful world.  In the court of public opinion, we are allowed to voice our opinions of said guilty "innocent" people.  But, again, for the record, Woody Allen is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

Dear Woody Allen,

You, my friend, are a pervert.  You are a pervert who makes really annoying movies with vague themes and weird story lines.  You are freak that married a girl that you raised as your child.  You are a pedophile that used our court systems to hide from abuse allegations from your daughter.  You are a coward who hides behind the gates of Hollywood keeping justice at bay. You're gross and weird.  But, Hollywood still loves you.

I don't get it.  Hollywood revers you.  They honor you with fancy awards and even have your female actors sing great accolades about you.  They make shrines of you and every strange movie you put out is like the second coming of the Messiah.  You sit back with your intellectual, quietness observing your worshipping little fools and soak that shit up.  Its creepy.  Its universally wrong and luckily I think people are starting to figure this and you, out.

It started out slowly but really came to a boil during the Golden Globes.  You blamed your crazy ex lover for her innocent tweets because you are condescending enough to believe that we can't see you.  You are not transparent, fool.  We see you and have for awhile.  That night was a coming of age for many people.  It was ok for the average joe to quietly and invisibly see your movies but he could never admit that.  Mothers everywhere would admonish average joe and tell him all about who you were.  But, you let Hollywood make a huge mistake.  You let them come out of the Woody Allen closet with a hot pink unitard and tiara.  Big mistake.  People liked you in the closet.  The closet kept you safe.  Now you are out and so are all your dirty little skeletons.     

I can't wait for the day that Hollywood turns on you.  They will.  They always do, most especially when loudmouths like me and others, tirelessly work to bring you down and use the same media you do to put out your crappy films.  Some big time producer will find a little known writer to create a script of your pathetic life.  He will find some young, up and coming actor to play the creeper role of you and will tell the story of your injustices.  The funniest part is they will make this guy look pathetic and will try to condescendingly explain how your marriage was not true incest.  They may even try to give you a mental disorder to help explain away your sexual predator nature.  What a full circle day that will be when Johnny No Name wins an Oscar for portraying the sick Woody Allen!

I wonder how you feel sitting in your kitchen at night, chewing antacids and drinking warm milk {that's what creepers do} while reading the latest information to be splashed all over the entertainment websites.  The tide is changing my friend.  The tide is most certainly changing.  Does it make you worried?  Or, are you so arrogant to be above it all?  Do you discuss this with your wife?  Do you hear her cry at night worried about your children and what they must go through at school?  Oddly, this must be very similar to what your little Dylan went through at her school.  Don't you find it funny how karma works things out?

I know you probably think it is weird that a 30 something mom is sitting on her computer blogging about your life.  But, you do realize all moms across the land are gunning for you, right?  Mama bears don't mind if they have to stand up for someone else's child.  Our club is much bigger and can do much more damage than the Hollywood machine that churns out people like you.  We don't need gangsters to do our dirty work.  We got blogs, social media and the power of the people.  We got this.  We don't stop till justice comes to our children.  And, my friend justice is currently hunting you down.  And, I am sitting here with my box of popcorn and oversized drink waiting for that day.  It's like being at a Woody Allen film... you got to sit through it but you know eventually it has to end.    Here's hoping the credits roll soon....I will be there with a standing ovation for the great Woody Allen.

Moms Around the World

Parenting...We Are Friends, Kind Of

So, here's the thing, I have been a parent for the past 15 years and during this time I have learned many things.  Tonight some of those lessons are heavy on my heart.  My sister and sister in law wrote blogs that talked about parenting which made me think...a lot.   Then a great girl I worked with said some wise words to me today.  Wise words about being a good mother.  Really wise words.  Before I go to bed I would like to share my thoughts.

One, before I became a parent I was chock full of public service announcements on how to raise my sweet, perfect angels.  I was full of them until the day they flew out of my womb in all their glory.  That day was a game changer to say the least.  I learned very quickly that everyone will have a million opinions on how wrong you are doing it.  How much you should learn from them.  These opinions were amped up even more by the fact I was a Catholic girl that got married while pregnant.  Can you imagine the scandal?  Can you imagine the judgment?  Most of the time the opinions are unsolicited and totally negative.  They deflate you as a parent and they hurt even more when you find out they are shared openly and with others.  It has taken me 15 years to know that these opinions DO NOT matter.  My parenting is done with my husband.  We are a team that only consults with each other {and maybe one or two other special friends}.  Our parenting also comes with loads of prayers.  I mean... dump trucks of prayers.

Which brings me to my second lesson on parenting...I have had almost no pride when it comes to parenting.  Only in the sacredness of my shower {true story} do I let myself feel a small sense of pride or accomplishment.  Don't get me wrong, as a person I am the most prideful, arrogant human being but when it comes to my parenting my insecurities are huge.  I spend most of my time talking with family and friends about my struggles and asking in complete humility and truth to pray for us and them.  I will never, ever agree that my children are the bomb dot com because that is damaging for them and, most importantly, for us.  I give kudos where needed but let the chips fall where they may.  As a side note from lesson #2, I will caution you to be selective about your prayer warriors.  Some of my friendly Christians are not always so Christian like in your confessions.  My mama bear needs to come out more when discussing my concerns about my children.  My hope is that I am surrounded by people who truly want the best for us and them.

Thirdly, USE YOUR PARENTS!  For those of us lucky enough to have incredible parents, be grateful and humble enough to take their lessons and adopt them as your own.  We are lucky that we both have incredible parents.  Shawn was an outstanding kid.  He is a hard worker, treats people better than himself and has limitless integrity.  Those are the only things that matter.  Those things came from his parents.  I am a selfless mother with a huge heart and maybe known to be pretty fun.  These are the things that matter... I got them from my parents.  If my kids only walk away with these traits then, boom!  I win this parenting gig with flying colors.  Sure, I want them to be millionaires, to be heroes, to be professionally successful or profoundly religious but more important I want them to be good people that make other people into good people.  Like our parents did.

Last lesson, after 15 years, 5 amazing children, 1 adoption and a million problems from the start to now... I know this to be true.  No aspect of your life or the lives of your children are prepared or planned for.  There are unforeseen pitfalls everywhere.  You can't avoid them.  You need to learn how to have faith and trust in your ability to parent through them.  So that one day, when you are not around, your kid parents themselves.  It is my greatest hope that the lessons I have instilled in my children, due to the love we conducted them with, not necessarily the wisdom or pride, will guide them all the days of their lives.  They won't live with me forever.  I can not be there every step of the way.  I have to trust in their abilities and have faith in their strong wills and independent spirits. 

Finally... parenting sucks.  There are no magic handbooks, secret passwords or fantastical gurus to tell you how to do it.   Parenting will break your heart, steal your soul, drain your brain and leave you penniless.  But, if done right parenting will teach you more about yourself than you ever dreamed possible and it will make you a better person than when you started.  It will also make you more gentle and empathetic to other parenting soldiers who are in the trenches.  You can't save them but you can make sure they know they are not alone.  We are all in this battle together and the best thing we can do to help each other is to be kind.  Be Kind.  Be Loving.  Be Less Judgemental.  Be Prayerful.  Be Considerate.  Be Humble.  Parenting is not your friend, but if chosen correctly, other parents can be your friends.