Getting older really is unfortunate. In so many ways I have become a discouraged mama. My body just isn't the same after having babies and abusing it for so many years. I think I have turned that corner where eating funyuns, a 3 musketeers and a coke just doesn't cut it. I talked to some good people and listened to their own struggles and so I made a decision. Today I am going to make some healthy promises to myself.
One, I am going to lose 40 lbs in a year. I refuse to share my weight but let's just say that I have accumulated approximately 10 lbs with each new addition to our family. I used to say that putting a number on it is not good. Focusing on that number can be negative. I still agree but i have to give myself a number so that each pound down will be a victory.
Two, I am going to bite the bullet and exercise. For now that will mean getting back into running but I hope that means that I will add some gym time to my schedule. My sister talks about this as a way to escape the kiddies and get some down time. This will help me learn to be a bit more selfish. The idea creeps me out but I also know I need this. I have to give myself permission to be selfish. I am happy to say this is VERY hard for me.
Three I am back to healthy eating. This means I have to say farewell to my sweet, salty and white things. I will have to devote love and attention to tasteless crap like cauliflower, celery and carrots. This one I am very bitter about. I love good food. Well, let's be honest, not good food but delightful food. I refuse to say goodbye but I will reluctantly say, see you later! Tonight I will have one last splurge and have this decadent, beautiful cake ball. I will savor it and allow my last few precious moments to be in complete adoration of its goodness. I may even photograph it. Who knows?
These health issues have affected me in lots of ways. Physically i am tired, cranky and just old. I want to run without huffing and puffing. I want my skin to look better. I want to fit in some hottie clothes. I want a cute do and be one of those "hipster" moms. These things are important and have taken a huge backseat for me.
Emotionally I want my confidence back. I want to not feel like the big girl that's pushed aside. I want to feel more secure in who I am and how I look. I want to be kinder to myself. Men are jerks as we all know. I have discovered with my chunkier self that men don't look you in the eye when you look or feel like crap. They are less respectful and chivalrous. Doors are not held open for you. You are called m'am in a condescending way. Its a very different experience. One that has truly shocked me.
Psychologically, I really want to make a change. I have some serious issues with trashing myself in my head. Its kind of gross. The negative talk we do as women is truly damaging. We are harder on ourselves than any other person could be. I need to change this not just for me but for my beautiful daughters. They are developing their own inner voice. I want it to be strong, clear and kind. If mine is, there's will be too.
These are huge goals. Goals that I can accomplish but they won't be easy. I will fail. If you know me in real life...no judging. Help me be kind to myself and be a cheerleader not a critic. I am hopeful that this is the last time I say I am going to make a lifestyle change. This is the time I want it for so many reasons. I want to live to be an old lady and bug the living daylights out of my husband. As much as I would love to do this fueled on funyuns and coke, I am very aware that is a pipe dream of a young un. Not the wise knowledge of a woman. So I will pack away my goodies and say hello to carrots. I will do my best to carry on cheerfully but forgive my curse words in the next few months....I already have my favorites picked out.