My Carbon Footprint....Upside Your Head

I shall forewarn my readers in this lovely disclaimer: "The political rantings described within are in no way meant to harm, annoy or make you squirm.  There shall be cursing, anger and statements expressing hateful feelings towards my enemies. Read at your own will and discretion" You ready? Buckle up... Yesterday I was fortunate enough to attend a comedy evening with the ball and chain. During his masterful performance he mentioned that he had an Irish Catholic wife and 5 children. Of course, in his act this is met with much laughter and many jokes. Upon completion of his act I had the unfortunate luck to hear another comic come up to the stage. He is a well known local journalist who is known for his political satires. I missed his opening bit and was greeted with dropped jaws upon my return. I had no idea what the problem was. The comic was making the usual crude, nasty Catholic jokes which were horrible but, I don't come unglued everytime Tom, Dick or Harry messes with my faith. You would have assumed I was getting personally attacked...which, I later found out I was. While I was out, the comic called out Shawn and I for having 5 kids and practicing Catholicism. He ending his rant with a smug liberal jab about how big our carbon footprint was. I was momentarily happy I missed the beginning and the personal attack because I would have taken his scrawny lil turkey neck and punched the living shit out of him. May I tell you why? Let's begin with how freaking sick I am of hearing crazy extremists spout their child hating, big family loathing, save the whales before a baby, the sky is falling philosophies all the while ripping apart religion and God Himself. And, I have to put up with it? Oh, hell no. I don't have to sit by and piously bow my head while twirling my wwjd bracelet. Mama didn't raise no fool! So here is my response I wish I had had the opportunity to share with Captain Douchebag. First, we didn't accidentally have 5 children. We feel that each child was given to us to provide for spiritually, financially and emotionally. That means we provide a loving, stable, supportive home where our first priority is our marriage then our children. We make all decisions as a couple than as a family. The phrase "me time" doesnt exist. We have golf clubs and dreams, we just dont pull them out until mothers/fathers day. We pray together and look to God to guide us focusing on our need to ensure our children are good to others. In comparison, look up the stats on how many crazy left extremists don't do the same and instead financially provide for their precious only child by emotionally detaching and tossing their child into a daycare they haven't even bothered researching. Making sure to drop them off at 7 and always there by 6 after a long winded day at a meaningless job and an hour at the gym. The family that spends more time on their cell phones than at a table with their own family. More time on the golf course than time connecting with their child. Worshiping at the self made altar of self idolatry. This is nothing short of abusive....the same kind of abuse snarky the clown accuses my religion of. Second, while my religion fully supports and demands that i refrain from birth control, they do not control me. See, I have free will to make my own decisions and allowing society to tell me how many children i should have is just not in my dna. Nor, is putting my reproductive health at risk by taking a pill that biologically alters my body. A pill, by the way, that was most likely created by a man to dictate how many children good lil wife should have. A pill that was created to control the ever growing population of lower income African Americans (check out the facts).
My religion allows me to feel blessed with each pregnancy and revel in my ability as a woman to be a part of bringing another child into the world.  My religion puts woman on an insanely high platform, actually speaking of females in sacred tones and connatations.  Speaking of our ability to birth children as a blessing, not a disease that needs a drug.  Children who, by the way, bring immeasurable love and spirit into our home.
Our children are the lights of our lives.  They literally change the world on a daily basis by their honesty, unending love and kindness not touched by the cynicism of age.  Without my children i would never know miracles.  Without my children i would be at a loss of hope.  Without my children i would be a negative, wrinkled old man writing for the Herald Leader passing judgement on a loving family who makes it their mission to make the world a better place. 
Unlike the many liberal parenting styles of my crazy tree hugging friends, my children know that respecting ALL people regardless of their beliefs, attitudes or world views is a must.  My children work everyday to find someone who is in trouble and have been taught by us to help them out.  My children have taught others how to be courageous and true to themselves. 
Most crazy population controlling extremists believe in karma and legalizing marijuana.  In that spirit I say...Because of my childrens goodness their karmic output is substantially greater than the population controlling facists who seek to stifle birthrate in this country.  Stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it hippies!
Lastly, my carbon footprint might be larger than yours but as lil red riding hood's grandma said, "all the bigger to easily kick your ass back to your lonely house with your nation of carbon free, agreeable cats".  I will pack up my hooligans in my carbon emitting SUV laughing, singing and continuing to spread good karma and who knows?  Maybe have another kid to piss you off!