As I sit and await the arrival of the beauty queens, I am finding myself reflecting on being a parent. Parenting is so obnoxiously difficult and neverending. We get so caught up in that side. But, right now as I listen to my spotify playlist (thank you hubby) titled "sweet, sweet kiddos" I am overwhelmed by how honored and thankful I am to be a parent.
This weekend I felt that more than ever before. I am thankful to have children to be there for me. Hold my hand when I am scared. Give me hugs when I don't ask. Talk with me when I need lifting up. Ask my advice when I need most to feel needed. Write me sweet notes to keep forever. Contagiously smile on my worst days. Laugh with me and play silly games. Sing songs and read books to me. I am thankful for their sweetness, youth that will only stay for a short time.
I am honored that God has truly chosen Shawn and I to be the parents of each of our children. Allowed my siblings to have children for us to also guide and love. Godchildren to inspire and teach. Honored us and trusted us to make them shine with his light and grace. I feel honored much like an old actor receiving a lifetime achievement award. I am not worthy of this honor and yet I stand here accepting this gift humbly. Hoping and praying to do everything in my power not to screw it up, take it for granted or treat it with anything other than the utmost dignity.
I find myself failing at times. I focus on the hardships and struggles that come with parenting instead of on the blessings pouring down on our anointed heads. I lose hope and Faith. I forget so many times in a day to trust in my own child rearing to know what needs to be done to be the best parent ever. I find myself wishing for vacations from parenting. To step back and take a breather, so caught up in the mundane frustrations that wiggle their way into your heart. I allow myself to feel beaten at the end of a difficult day. I even look forward to the day they are all grown and my house is quiet. I relish the idea of reading a book in quiet or maybe painting in a clean house adorned with softly burning candles. Can you even imagine?
But, as I sit here, overwhelmed by my Lil twincesses arrival, I find myself thinking of parents states away. I have not spoken on this shooting because I am too angry, hopeless and righteous. I stand by that.
Today though, my thoughts are with those parents and on the tragedy of losing this honor and blessing. Today
I vow to work even harder daily to be an amazing parent ever conscious in every previous moment with all of the babies in my life. Today I vow to not look forward to the days of a clean, quiet house but to embrace the beautiful chaos that I have been chosen for. Today I vow to be better because I know better. I will do this because I am so proud of being a parent and because like everyone else, I am reflecting on what it would be like to lose that honor. To lose it and never get it back.
My children are doing 26 random acts of kindness and we have asked them to work really hard to accomplish these at school. For their teachers who raise them, love them and protect them. Their school workers who serve them, are kind to them,and guide them. For their principal who keeps their school safe. We have asked that they do them for each person who lost their life that day.
I am going to do 52, no matter how long it takes. Each one I accomplish will honor each parent who is feeling the devastating loss of earthly parenting. I will focus on my babies. All of them. Feeling thankful in every moment for their amazing existence. For their unending love. For believing in me, supporting me and believing in me no matter what. For giving me purpose, hope and Faith. For making me a better person. Please consider doing the same. 52 gifts of humble gratitude for the joy and honor of being a parent. Today this is what I am reflecting on.